Category: Continuing Pregnancy

The Rollercoaster Ride of Life

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Read through the Bible in 2 Years: Joshua 12:1-14:5

See this rollercoaster? It’s called “Runaway Mine Train.” If you ever find yourself in St Louis, you can go to Six Flags and ride it yourself. The Mine Train is about the only rollercoaster ride that I’ll go on.

I don’t like rollercoasters that shoot you out going 100 mph. I don’t like rollercoasters that make you travel backwards or through endless dark tunnels. I don’t like rollercoasters that make you spin around in circles and leave you dizzy. I prefer a more sedate, predictable ride with just a few bumps and turns.

25 years ago today, we found out that the much-planned-for baby that I was carrying had passed away in my womb. Less than a month earlier I’d walked into my doctor’s office for what I thought would be a routine 12-week checkup, absolutely unaware that the entire course of my life was about to change. That day I had the first of a series ultrasounds which revealed that my unborn son had a fully obstructed bladder, followed by an amniocentesis to check for generic anomalies, and ultimately in-utero surgery. The rollercoaster ride I hadn’t signed up for came to an abrupt halt with the words, “I’m sorry, Mrs. Endraske. We can’t find a heartbeat.”

But, God.

God had different plans for me and my family. God had a different little boy in mind to grow up in my family. God was at work behind the scenes for who He wanted to be my oldest son. This journey, too, would feel like a runaway rollercoaster ride, but this time the ride included the prize of a beautiful little boy in my arms.

There have been plenty of situations in my fifty years of life that I never would’ve chosen for myself. Twists and turns, highs and lows, that I wish I’d never taken.

But, God.

El Roi, the God who sees, is the One who has expertly laid out the tracks that my life has run on. Though my life has all too often felt completely out-of-control, the truth is that God has been guiding and directing my course.

My heart had planned my way, but the Lord is who established my steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

Many have been the plans of my mind, but it has been the purpose of the Lord that has stood. (Proverbs 19:21)

The Lord’s plans have been for my welfare and hope, not for my harm (Jeremiah 29:11-14).

The roller coaster ride of my life has compelled me to seek God, rather than merely coasting down the paths I would have chosen for myself.

How about you? Are you on a ride of life right now that you’re thinking, “I didn’t sign up for this?” Are you looking frantically for the escape hatch? What do you think the Lord is teaching you in the process?

Let’s pray.

Heavenly Father, Your ways are higher and better than ours. You hold my life, my future in Your Almighty hand. You are on Your sovereign throne. Help me trust You. Even when I’m walking through dark valleys, help me remember that You are with me, holding my hand and guiding me in the paths of righteousness for Your Name’s sake. Give me strength to trust You to rightly order and direct my steps. In the Name of Jesus Christ, my Good Shepherd and the Captain of my soul, I pray. Amen.

A Child of Promise

Published on by kendraskeLeave a comment

Read through the Bible in 2 Years: Romans 9

Twenty-five years ago, in July of 1998, I found out I was pregnant with my second child. Our first daughter was two years old, and I was overjoyed that we were expecting again. Unfortunately, during a routine 12-week ultrasound, we discovered that our unborn son had a bladder obstruction. His bladder was as big as his head. This wasn’t good.

On September 10, the doctors attempted an in-utero procedure to place a stent to drain Tommy’s bladder into the amniotic sac, but the procedure was unsuccessful and four days later we found out that he had passed away in my womb.

When we first learned that Tommy had an obstructed bladder, I prayed for God to either heal him completely or take him quickly, but after losing him, I would have given anything for one more month or even one more day. I wanted to feel him move again in my empty womb anf see my belly grow big and round and full with him. I would have loved for him to grow big enough for me to bathe him and take his little handprints, even if I had had to do those things after he had died.

Friends, there is no better way or better time to lose your child. You are never ready for it. It all hurts.

But this devastating experience grew my faith exponentially. I leaned into the Lord and His Word like never before. I began praying and reading the Bible in earnest, and I learned to trust God like never before.

I ended up founding an online ministry and writing a book called A Child of Promise – part story, part Bible Study, part journal – for other moms and dads who found themselves in the position of carrying an unborn baby with a poor or fatal prognosis.

God used this pain not only for my own good, but also for the good of other hurting families. Like our reading in Romans 9, God is the trustworthy potter in each of our lives. He has mercy on those He wills, and He hardens those whom He wills. And all I can say is that I’m thankful for His sovereign, merciful hand that shaped both me and my son.

Heavenly Father, I know that You are good. I know that You are sovereign over heaven and earth. I trust You even when it’s hard. I pray for my hurting sisters. I pray that You will encourage them and fill them with Your supernatural peace that surpasses understanding. Be their calm in the storm. Hold their hand as they walk through the fire, and carry them when they can’t take one more step. I pray that Your Word would be a light to their feet and a light to their paths, pointing them straight to You. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray. Amen.

I Know – Big Daddy Weave

Now My Eye Sees You

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Read Through the Bible in 2 Years: Job 40-42

“And the LORD blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning.
And he had 14,000 sheep, 6,000 camels, 1,000 yoke of oxen, and 1,000 female donkeys. He had also seven sons and three daughters.”

Job 42:12-13 ESV

In Job 1, we read that Job had 7,000 sheep, 3,000 camels, 500 yoke of oxen and 500 female donkeys. Here at the end of his life, Job has twice as many of these animals. Yet in Job 1, we read that Job had seven sons and three daughters and now at the end of his life, he once again is given seven sons and three daughters. Why was the number of his children not doubled?

Let me share with you my thoughts: When Job’s first animals were wiped out and he got new animals, he no longer counted the ones he had earlier in his life … but children, they are different. Our children are made in God’s image and are given eternal souls. Our children are irreplaceable. If your child passes away, they remain your child. I have two children who have gone to heaven before me and I have four children here on earth, therefore I have six children.

Job began his life with ten children and he ended his life with twenty. The Lord had indeed given him a double portion.

The pain of losing all of your animals is great, but the pain of losing all of your children is immeasurably greater. But may I encourage you with this word: the pain is great because your love is great.

Job was a righteous man with a deep love for God, but Job grew to know and love God more intimately and personally as a result of his great pain – and so can we. Earlier we read the words of Job, “Behold, my eye has seen all this, my ear has heard and understood it.” (Job 13:1 ESV) But now at the end of this book, Job says, “I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you;” (Job 42:5 ESV)

I remember all too well how much the Lord grew and transformed me through the pain of losing a baby. I pray that whatever trial you are going through now or have gone through in the past, that you will keep your eyes wide open to see God as He walks with you through this dark valley.

Heavenly Father, please grow our faith. Help us to see Your hand guiding us and blessing us every step of the way as we walk through this valley. You are always good and always right. You are all-knowing and all-powerful. We need You every hour. We pray that we will know how deep and high and long and wide is Your love toward us as Your children. We pray that we will see You in our lives and see You in Your living and active Word because we know that You are there. In the Name of Christ Jesus our Lord we pray, Amen.

Watch my testimony for more on how I came to see God more clearly after losing a baby

21 years ago

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21 years ago, Thomas William Endraske was silently born, making his public entrance into the world. He was not welcomed with balloons or stuffed animals, but with tears. He was not greeted by scores of relatives, but this Mama Bear loved all six inches of his tiny, pink unmoving form.

His birth was the capstone of a two-week attempt to save his life, and my life will never be the same.

This baby boy’s life and death changed this mommy’s life for the better. I’d heard of grief before and I’d seen others grieve before, but this was my first experience with grief myself, and it prompted my first step onto a fork in the road ahead. I moved from a wider path of comfort to a narrower path of faith and obedience. And I’m thankful.

I wonder today how different my life would be if he’d never been conceived at all. Would I have ever adopted his brother, Nick? Would I have ever begun praying and studying and feasting on God’s Word? Would I have homeschooled his big sister Emily, willingly sacrificing my own comfort and time for hers? Would I now be a mother of four living children or would I have stopped after two? Would I believe without a doubt that children are the greatest blessing that God can ever give to a woman?

So today, on Tommy’s birthday, I say, “Thank You, God, for creating him.”

“Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things and by your will they existed and were created.” Revelation 4:11

I’ve written a book called, “A Child Of Promise” for parents who are continuing their pregnancy after they know something is wrong with their unborn baby. It is available on Amazon. Today and tomorrow, in honor of Tommy’s birthday, the Kindle version is available at a discounted rate.